Memories Blossom
All my life, I’ve been treated like a charity case mixed with an atomic bomb
Being passed along from house to house
*Well, who gets her this time?*
So I pack up my broken pieces and scars
And I think “This house will be better”
But is it?
“It doesn’t have them”
New doesn’t always mean change
“They take care of you”
They do it because they feel obligated
You’re the girl who doesn’t have good parents,
Of course, they feel like they have to
But as soon as you act in any way they don’t like, the accusations start
They say the timer starts to tick
“You’ll end up in a trailer park married to a guy named — — “
And it ticks
“Well, what did you do?”
And ticks
Conversations about problems I don’t ever remember happening,
But you say they did, so they must have
*Tick*
Hostile dinners where I’m told my eating habits will make no one want me
And then it explodes, and here I am
Alone as I knew I always would be
I got shipped to your house on Thanksgiving break
A surprise none of us expected
So you take me in, and you’re patient at first
“You used to be so negative when you lived with her”
Well, I hated my life
You wait for me to blossom into something I’m not
But I don’t
Because that’s not me that’s not me THAT’S NOT ME
And new scars begin to form
And you don’t really care to tell me how to heal them
So they grow and they grow and they grow
Until I don’t even know who I am anymore
And I hide so you don’t know who I am
Because I know you view me differently
Like a basket case one tick away from a lost cause
Until I hide so well that I think maybe this is who I am
It’s not, but I don’t know any better
Mary Kay and quarterbacks are what you wanted, not me
And it’s sad that all I could do to express myself was black eyeliner instead of brown
It’s better than being told I’ll end up like them
“Ashley never remembers stuff”
What if I don’t want to be here,
Did you ever think of that?
What if I still hate my life?
But now I sit here in my 20s waiting for memories to blossom
Waiting to remember something before *this*
Remember remember REMEMBER
Cris Angel and George Lopez and CSI Miami
Little crystal ballerina bears wrapped under Christmas trees
Sweet tea with Splenda and green bean casserole
Sneaking around the house, trying to catch you talking to the shadow people
Cigarettes and early morning mutterings
Earphones always playing Pink Floyd
Stephen King books overtaking shelves
Coffee kisses that I used to hate but now miss so dearly
Matching plaid nightgowns that sadly made me itch
And that’s all the happiness I remember before seeing you fight with the oxygen mask
What I remember more of is
Pill bottles being thrown and throats pinned against doors
You leaving me with him after I watched him drag you out the front door
Five mins of barbies before the car starts swerving, mailboxes are hit, and I have to help you drive home
Being a tag along on late-night searches for a fix in the Silverado
Watching you fall asleep at the kitchen counter
A new fear of stomach ulcers after I threw up on the classroom floor
The cologne bottle on the bathroom counter that they used to crush them up
Scars on my arms and laughs and “me too” in response to them
Packing after countless promises that “this time, we’re actually leaving”
You choosing him over me always
Bragging about reading 13 books in a week but embarrassed to explain why I distracted myself that way
Waking up to a drug-induced zombie and panicked calls to my sister
Selling video games for bills he couldn’t pay
Constant accusations of becoming like them as I learn to become myself
Paint on a new canvas and “I thought she’d be better” comments
Lectures that left me with self-hatred and you shocked I didn’t want to be around you
A dislike of alcohol and outside that wasn’t as permanent as I thought
“I have to back you into a corner so you won’t lie”
I’m not them I’m not them IM NOT THEM
And I’d send this to all of you if it would make a difference
But it won’t
“That never happened”
“It wasn’t like that”
“What did you do to make that happen?”
That’s what you all say
Have you ever thought that maybe I’m not the problem?
Maybe the drugs, alcohol, and your need to control are?
Functional alcoholics are still alcoholics, and car trackers and room searches aren’t love
New doesn’t always mean change
“You never pay attention!”
Well it’s your fault I’m always in wonderland
It’s all your fault that I don’t want to be here
“You’re so happy now that you’re away from her”
Well that didn’t last long, did it?
And this isn’t all the memories I remember, but it damn sure isn’t enough for a whole lifetime
And they definitely aren’t the ones I want to remember, but those were stolen from me
By you
All of you
And so now I sit here in my 20s, waiting for memories to blossom
